


you = me

by sincerelyhys



Category: Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Cigarettes, Daeyeol is Employed Here, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Hyeop is Lonely, M/M, Slice of Life, Smoking, Yunseong is Unpredictable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 18:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20550560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sincerelyhys/pseuds/sincerelyhys
Summary: Yunseong is mean—Hyeop concludes. His personality is too hard to predict and Hyeop doesn’t know where to stand or what to say. It’s like he’s playing a game in the dark without knowing what game he is playing. Like making deals with the devil.





	you = me

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fic i've always wanted to write but it doesn't seem to work with any of the ships i've liked until hwanghyeop came! if you're also uncomfortable with the idea of them smoking i suggest you close this already. anyway this fic is for the hwanghyeop fans out there, may we have more contents in the future and cheers to the start of a new beginning!

"So what are you in here for?" Hyeop asks the person beside him. He didn't want to really ask, but the atmosphere is so awkward and he's sick of swallowing his own saliva for the nth time within the past 10 minutes. The guy, who looks like the same age as him, just stares for a couple of seconds and then looks in the other direction. He has reddish messy hair and he’s wearing a simple black t-shirt with jeans. There’s a bucket hat on his lap that he’s fiddling around with. He’s the only one in there that particularly stands out to him, because the other people are older and he’s the only relatively young person around.

"Okay. That means no I guess." he says, more to himself than the other guy beside him and clasps his hands in front of him. His hands are cold, so he rubs it against his jeans to make it warm.

To say he's nervous is an understatement.

This is the first time he’s going to do this, and he doesn’t really know how it works.

The door opens from behind him and a guy in a polo shirt and jeans—in his late 20s definitely—closes it after him. He takes the seat adjacent to the red headed guy who wouldn’t talk from earlier.

“Good morning!” he greets, and the other people in the room murmur a greeting back. “I hope all of you had a replenishing weekend—and for our new faces here, I hope that all of you had the same and welcome to our humble support group.” The guy looks at Hyeop and a couple more people, and then clasps his hands together. “I’m Daeyeol, and I’m here to lead today’s session.”

Daeyeol gives a short introduction of the group’s purpose, which was to help each other out in overcoming their obstacles in life. One by one he initiates that the others in the circle introduce themselves again for the sake of the new ones. He patiently listens for the others and tries to remember the names and faces that go along with it.

“I’m Yunseong. My older sister made me attend these sessions in the hopes of helping me get better and I didn’t have the heart to disappoint her back then—so I’m here.” The red head guy from earlier introduces himself. He says nothing else other than that, which makes it Hyeop’s turn. Yunseong looks at him a bit too intensely for his liking as a signal to speak, and he clears his throat a bit too hard, which ended up becoming more painful than it should be.

“I’m Hyeop. Lee Hyeop, and  _ I used to _ teach singing. I had a surgery just recently—and I—so I—“ he tries to say the words out loud for the first time since he was allowed to speak again but he chokes on it—the words feeling like tight rope squeezing his tongue down to his lungs. It shouldn’t be this hard.

“You can’t sing anymore.” Yunseong from beside him finishes his sentence, face void of any expression.

“Yeah, that.” He clears his throat and gestures for the next person beside him to speak next.

The rest of the session focuses on sharing, and Hyeop listens to the others around him. His problems suddenly feel so miniscule compared to the other ones that he have heard—and it makes him want to just stand up and leave and never return. He feels embarrassed and small, and when it was his turn to speak he suddenly feels like throwing up.

“Do you have anything you want to share to us today Hyeop?” Daeyeol urges him with a warm tone in his voice, and Hyeop finds it hard to decline.

“I—I’m actually kind of embarrassed right now.” He starts, trying to play it off with a chuckle.

“How so?” Daeyeol asks him, and he sees the others are looking at him waiting for him to speak up.

“I feel like, my problem is nothing compared with what the others have shared earlier.”

“But you’re here, so it must mean something of value to you. We’re here willing to listen with no judgment, that’s the purpose of all of this.”

His breath shakes a little when he exhales, and Daeyeol is looking at him expectantly with a warm expression on his face.

“I only had one dream and one thing that I was good at—which was singing. I made a living off of it; I did it to make myself happy and to feel content with myself. Until I slowly found it hard to sing, and it turns out there was something wrong with my vocal chords. If I don’t get surgery, I might not be able to talk again anymore. But getting the surgery now will make it hard for me to sing again. So I chose the first one. I’m really having a hard time trying to accept that I can’t sing again anymore, and have avoided everyone since then because I didn’t want to be a part of their pity party.” He says, hoping that his voice didn’t shake as much as he felt like it did. He feels a little relieved, that he was able to let out some of it—and that nobody is giving him any pity looks or saying things to him that he doesn’t want to hear.

He’s sure Daeyeol said something to him, but he wasn’t able to catch that because he can see from the corner of his eye that Yunseong was staring at him, and to be honest it was really distracting.

When it was Yunseong’s turn to speak up it takes him a couple of few long seconds before he finally did. He seemed to zone out a lot as he’d observed, and it feels like half the time he’s not really present in the room.

“How was your week Yunseong-ah?” Daeyeol speaks up first, and it seemed to snap Yunseong out of the trance he was in.

“The same. Therapy still doesn’t seem to work and I’m in pain before, during, and after it 80% of the time. My sister still wants me to go, but I don’t.” Yunseong says with a dejected face, and it makes Hyeop wonder what was actually wrong with him for him to be in such a broken state. “It’s a waste of money, and I hate to see her be tied up with me instead of pursuing the things she really likes.”

Hyeop doesn’t know why, but he wants to reach out to him and comfort him. He holds himself back, because Yunseong doesn’t seem to be the type who wants to be consoled. Just like him.

The rest of the group continue sharing and before the end Daeyeol gives off a few words, until he closes off the meeting and remind them of next week’s schedule and that they should bring a little something to eat for everyone to share over. The group disperses, some of them going in pairs or groups chatting amongst each other. He sees Yunseong stand up to leave but as he approaches him Daeyeol blocks him off.

“Hi, Hyeop right?” he asks and Hyeop nods.

“Thank you for coming to today’s session. We always appreciate meeting new people here, because it helps all of us. How was it so far for you?”

“It’s kind of fine. It got a little bit off of my chest.” He admits, and Daeyeol smiles at him.

“That’s good. Sometimes what we all really need is a safe space. You can always keep on coming here as long as you want to share, and if there are days that you don’t want to—it’s fine too.”

“Thank you sir.” He says and Daeyeol laughs, patting him in the shoulder.

“Hyung is fine. You make it seem like I’m so old. Anyway, I have to go. Have a safe trip home, Hyeop!” Daeyeol gathers his belongings and waves him off to which he reciprocates. 

“Yes, hyung.”

He gets his bag from where he left it and begins walking to his car in the parking lot when he spots a certain mop of red hair in the distance, limping heavily as he goes.

* * *

Hyeop sees him in the coffee shop that he now works at a few days after that.

He’s still limping heavily and is walking in a really weird manner, where it looks like half of his body is shorter than the other half. He walks slowly, and Hyeop observes him as he wipes off one of the tables. He hasn’t been noticed yet, so he just watches him still.

Yunseong makes his order and moves to sit down on the closest available table to him.

Hyeop takes his drink to him, and when Yunseong looks up to him he can make out the startled expression he held for a second before he went back to his stoic face again.

“Here’s your drink.” He says as he places the coffee slowly on the table. “Thank you?” he presses on, and Yunseong just stares at him.

“Thank you?” Yunseong says back and Hyeop smiles a little. “You’re welcome.”

He leaves him to go do his other task, which is to clean the other tables again. Time passed slowly for him in the coffee shop and it was fine—at least it distracts him from when he’s just in his room staring at the ceiling wanting to sing but it’s physically painful for him to do so. In the café nobody bothers him or knows what has happened to him, so they don’t push him to do or say things.

It’s been more or less 15 minutes when he overhears Yunseong talking over the phone. He didn’t really intend to, it’s just that he was wiping the window beside him from the inside and Yunseong sounded mad.

“I was the one who told them to cut off the charging from your account. No—I don’t want to go anymore! It’s not helping—I know he broke up with you because of me.” Yunseong is upset with whoever is on the other line, and Hyeop could unfortunately hear every single word. “I’ll just, figure things out as I go. Noona. I don’t want you to do things you’ll regret in the future because of me. I can’t do that to you. I’ll—okay. I’ll see you later.”

Hyeop turns his back the moment he hears Yunseong puts down the phone on the table, and he could hear a shaky sigh from him. He spots him in the reflection of the mirror running his hands frustrated in his hair.

“Eavesdropping is rude.” Yunseong tells him when he passes by him, and he stops in his tracks.

“I’m sorry, I never—“

“Do you smoke?” Yunseong suddenly asks, and Hyeop blinks at him puzzled.

“Excuse me?”

“Do you want to smoke outside?” Yunseong repeats himself with more emphasis.

“I don’t smoke. It will ruin my voice.” Hyeop quips back and Yunseong stands up from his seat.

“Well you’re not gonna sing anymore now anytime soon, so let’s go.” Yunseong says dismissively, taking one last sip of his coffee before limping out of the café. 

That’s how Hyeop finds himself on break, outside in the alley beside the café, holding a cigarette in front of Yunseong. The red haired male is leaning against the wall, inhaling the smoke from the stick and breathing it out as soon as he takes a drag. Hyeop is reluctantly staring at his own, the one Yunseong had handed him a few seconds back—and twirls it around in his fingers.

“That’s not the use of that. You have to light it.” Yunseong says as he flicks off the ash from his cigarette, and takes the stick from his fingers to light it up for him.

Yunseong hands it to him and gestures him to mimic his action, taking a drag on his own. He slowly follows—and ends up choking on the smoke. He throws his head down coughing—he feels the burn in his chest—as Yunseong laughs at him. It tastes just as exactly as how he imagined it would be—horrible and toxic.

“You really haven’t smoked a single cigarette in your entire life.” Yunseong points at him when Hyeop has recovered from his coughing fit.

“It’s because it’s bad for your health, and for the voice. It ruins the lungs, it ruins people’s lives.” He says, as he throws the stick he held and steps on it. Yunseong flinches upon witnessing the action.

“If you really hated smoking that much—why did you try it?” Yunseong’s humor must be on some other level for Hyeop to understand—because he doesn’t get why the latter is finding the entire thing funny.

It does make him think. Yunseong didn’t force him into anything; he was mostly just doing things on his own and waiting for Hyeop to do the same. He could’ve just not followed him out, nor try the cigarette. He went out here on his own accord, and when he thinks about it he doesn’t know why. What is it about Yunseong that makes him stop thinking about literally anything?

“I… don’t know.” He admits, and Yunseong smirks a little.

“Was it because of what I said? Did it strike a nerve in you?”

Yunseong is mean—Hyeop concludes. His personality is too hard to predict and Hyeop doesn’t know where to stand or what to say. It’s like he’s playing a game in the dark without knowing what game he is playing. Like making deals with the devil.

“I guess it did.” Yunseong chuckles even before Hyeop could answer. ”That’s just a little payback from eavesdropping. Do you do that with every customer in the café?” Yunseong asks him.

“No. Do you do this with every café staff you encounter?” he bites back, and Yunseong looked satisfied.

“Snarky. You’re keeping up, that’s nice. To answer your question, no I don’t. Not all café staff eavesdrop either.”

Yunseong crushes the exhausted cigarette with the heel of his sneakers and pulls out another stick from his case. Hyeop watches how he swiftly does the entire thing gracefully, like it’s a dance routine. Yunseong makes it seem like lighting cigarettes is a performance.

“So who were you fighting with? Your older sister?” Hyeop probed, and Yunseong puffs smoke in his direction that annoyed him for a second.

“Yeah.”

“You said in the group the other day that she was forcing you to attend some treatment and the support group sessions. You don’t seem to be happy. So who’s the problem here: her or you?” he interrogates, and Yunseong waves his lit cigarette at him.

“You know what? For some guy who’s only met me once—“

“—twice now—“ he corrects.

“—You’re too nosy. I’m not obliged to tell you anything.” Yunseong spits the words at him.

“If I smoke a stick, will you answer?” he propositions even before he could stop himself, and Yunseong raises an eyebrow.

“Hey Hyeop, can you cover for me? I need to pick up my baby cousin from preschool.” Seokhwa, his colleague, interrupts them apologetically and Hyeop gives him an okay sign.

“Maybe next time. I’ll reconsider my options.” Yunseong waves him off to go, and he nods before going back—taking one more look at Yunseong who huffs out smoke when he’s already by the door.

* * *

Hyeop arrives a little too early for that week’s support group, and ends up sitting in Seokhwa’s car in the middle of the parking lot alone. He takes out the food he bought via drive thru and was just quietly munching on his fries when he sees a silver car roll in the lot. He’d recognize that mop of red hair anywhere, and when it parks on the far end of the lot he decides to go out.

“You hungry? I have some soggy fries in my car if you want.” He politely offers, and Yunseong shakes his head as he pulls out his lighter from his pocket. He’s still sitting inside his car and had just pulled down the windows for Hyeop to peek in.

“I just ate. Right now I need a smoke.”

“You’re always smoking.” He chides.

“You saw me smoke  _ once.  _ That’s not always.”

“You’re going to smoke again now. That makes it twice. More than once is enough.” He says as a matter of fact and Yunseong looks at him with an incredulous look in his face.

“You’re unbelievable.” He mutters under his breath before lighting the cigarette he placed on his lips.

“Why do you even smoke?”

“It’s a good stress reliever. It calms my nerves.” Yunseong says simply, as if it’s always like that—and maybe it is for him.

Hyeop moves a few steps back in preparation for the smoke he knows Yunseong would blow in his direction for fun, and kicks the gravel on the floor.

“You still owe me an answer for last time.” He remembers it—it’s not like he ever forgot—and Yunseong raises a brow.

“—and you made a deal that you’d smoke in return.” Yunseong throws him his case and he barely almost catches it with his hands.

“I’m a man of my word.” Hyeop says as he pulls a stick out and Yunseong lights it for him.

He’s much better at it than the first time, and even though he still doesn’t like how it tastes there’s a satisfying feeling that he gets when he sees the exhale of smoke coming out from him for some reason. That, and the look of fascination that paints Yunseong’s face as he watches him intently.

“I don’t get you. Last time you almost choked to death, now you act like you’ve been chain smoking for 3 years.” Yunseong comments, and he tries to hold back his smile.

He’d never tell him that he spent a night going through YouTube watching videos on how to smoke. What Yunseong won’t know won’t kill him. The smoke from the cigarette would most likely will first.

“So, the answer?” he presses instead.

“What was your question again?”

“Who’s the problem between you and your sister and why you’re fighting with her.”

“My fault. I was always the problem child.” Yunseong puffs out smoke. “I got in a car accident a year ago. Barely almost made it. I can name only 5 bones that I haven’t fractured compared to those I have. My legs were crushed badly that it’s done permanent damage on me.”

“So that’s why you walk like you don’t know how legs work.”

“Shut up, that’s insulting.” Yunseong warns him. “It’s still painful, especially if I stand too long and walk a lot.”

“Why don’t you use like, a crutch or a wheelchair?”

“I did. During the first few months. I was going on therapy and the doctors were optimistic I’d get to walk normally again. Until there wasn’t much progress and it’s just making a dent in my sister’s bank account. It’s still painful whether I use a wheelchair or not, so it’s not like it mattered.”

“...and your sister still wants you to go and see through the end of your therapy.” Hyeop finishes the puzzle for him and he nods, the cigarette still red from the light on his lips.

“I told her multiple times that I’m not going to push through with it anymore because it’s useless but she keeps on forcing me. We’re not a rich family. Our parents are long gone. She’s the only one that pays for all of my medicine and bills. Her boyfriend broke up with her even though they already had plans of getting married because she chose taking care of me for now instead. I don’t know. Sometimes I think maybe I should’ve just died then. I only just became some lump of burden.” Yunseong motions for him to pass over his pack and he lights a cigarette for him.

“Don’t say that.” He says and Yunseong turns his head to him listlessly.

“Enough with that sympathetic crap—you and I both know we don’t want that. That’s why we’re both here.” He says and he leans back on the door of Yunseong’s car. “Don’t you have an emotional backstory too? I’m not inclined to believe you’re only here because of your voice. There must be something else that’s jaded you.” 

He shrugs. “Well, I was sad—maybe I still am—but point is I abandoned my old life and traded it for a new one because I didn’t want to explain myself over and over again to people. It’s nothing really too emotional or anything.”

“You keep on downplaying your situation and feelings since that day you came in. What’s up with that?” Yunseong asks him. “Is belittling yourself a personality trait?”

“I don’t know. Like I said, compared with your problems and the problems of the rest of the world—mine seems so insignificant. It’s frustrating because I don’t want to be sad over it but I end up doing so.” He ends up sighing as he says it.

“Then stop comparing yourself to the rest of the world. Maybe it’s because you’re not like the rest of the world. Maybe you’re your own world.”

Hyeop looks at Yunseong, who is still taking his time with his cigarette, and then on the gravel on the floor. They stay silent like that; the only thing breaking it is Yunseong’s occasional huffing and the sound of cars passing by the highway. They say nothing, but it wasn’t uncomfortable.

They only budge when another car rolls in the lot and Daeyeol spots both of them, waving a little bit too enthusiastically.

“Come in guys! I brought some hot chocolate.” He yells for them to hear, and Yunseong looks at him for affirmation. It’s not like they have any other choice.

* * *

Hyeop doesn’t know why, but he ends up longing for Yunseong in the days when they don’t see each other.

Yunseong has not given yet his number or anything to him, and he hasn’t thought of asking for it yet. Yunseong doesn’t seem to be the friendliest person to become a phone pal. He still finds him too cryptic much to his liking, and his unpredictability sets Hyeop off on edge. More than anything, he feels like a character to him—that he keeps on trying to pick apart but there’s so much ends at the seams already that it’s too hard to identify which is the right thread to pull.

“If you’re just going to keep on moping there you won’t attract any customers.” Seokhwa tells him as he works behind the counter playing around and making a new drink.

“Let me mope for a while.” He whines and Seokhwa chuckles at him.

Like what he told Yunseong, he abandoned his old life and went here to the city. He used to be from the province, the type that was so small everyone knew each other and that most people share the same resources. He felt suffocated, and he knew what kind of things people will say to him if he stayed— _ such a shame, he was so talented, he had so much ahead of him, what’s he going to do now?— _ and he knows he’s not ready for any of that. He’s already sad as it is.

Seokhwa was one of the people he met in the city, as they lived in the same complex and he’s also the one that gave him the job at the café. He’s thankful for Seokhwa, who’s like a brother to him, for the kind hospitality that makes him a little less sad than he used to be.

“Who was that guy that was smoking last week? He looks cute.” Seokhwa prods.

“He’s one of the people in my support group.”

“Oh yeah, you attend those. So are those your types? Those that look like they’re going to mug people?” the blond male teases him.

“He doesn’t look like he’s going to mug people. He’s just going through a lot right now. He’s nice, I guess?”

Hyeop doesn’t even know why he’s defending Yunseong, but the words have already left his lips and he just resigns to it.

“Why are you so defensive over him? Do you like him?” Seokhwa teases him playfully.

“I don’t know.” He admits simply and Seokhwa raises a brow at him.

“You don’t know?”

“Well for the record we only met a couple of times, and we don’t know each other yet that much. Maybe, in the future? But right now he just seems like an interesting person to me.”

“Touché.”

Seokhwa drops the conversation after that because a customer arrived and he clears the tables until it’s time to clock out. He bids Seokhwa good bye and sets off to walk back to the complex, which is a good 30 minutes away. It’s a bit farther and he could use Seokhwa’s old car to drive like he usually does for the support group meetings, but Hyeop doesn’t mind the walk as it helps him be distracted.

He’s looking at some signage while crossing the street when he hears a honk and immediately he steps back as a car almost hits him. He hasn’t noticed the streetlight change as he was distracted, and he heaves a loud sigh as he puts a hand on his chest in surprise.

A familiar car slows down in front of him a few seconds after—and Yunseong rolls down the window for him.

“Are you trying to get yourself killed?” Yunseong asks him and he shakes his head.

“I wasn’t just paying attention.” He embarrassingly admits.

“Well if you’re not going to pay attention to where you’re walking then you shouldn’t be walking at all, idiot. Get in.” Yunseong unlocks the door for him and he gets in. He straps the seatbelt on and Yunseong starts the car again.

“Do you even know where I live?” Hyeop asks him.

“No I don’t.” Yunseong says without even looking at him.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere. Unless you have anywhere else you need to go?”

He shakes his head as an answer. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go at all.

Yunseong’s car smells like any other chain smoker’s car. Suffocating and smoky. No amount of car freshener or car wash could probably remove the smell of it off the upholstery. Yunseong doesn’t seem to mind—of course he doesn’t—but Hyeop does, so he rolls the windows down.

“Close the window.” Yunseong tells him.

“Your car smells bad.” He scolds.

“You’re just not used to it.”

“Please don’t tell me you make girls ride this car. I’d run for the hills.”

“No girls. Not even my sister rides this car—and stop lying. You’re sitting your pretty ass there on my leather and I don’t see you running for the hills.”

Hyeop tries to think about what Yunseong meant about the girls part, and Yunseong seems to catch up on the silence between them.

“I’m not into girls—if that’s what you’re trying to figure out. I have a boyfriend.” Yunseong says as a matter of fact, and Hyeop doesn’t know why but he feels disappointed.

“Does your boyfriend know you invite other boys to sit in your car like this?”

“No. He doesn’t care about me anymore.” Yunseong says, tone a bit too bitter that Hyeop notices it.

“Then he’s not your boyfriend anymore if that’s the case.”

“It’s not as simple as that. Have you even been in a relationship?” Yunseong turns to look at him.

“No I haven’t.” he’s embarrassed as he says it and he hopes Yunseong doesn’t notice the flush on his cheeks.

“Then you wouldn’t understand.”

“What’s there that’s hard to understand? If he truly loves you, and you’re both dating—then shouldn’t he care for you? Especially now that—“ he tries to phrase Yunseong’s situation and the red head seems to be waiting on what he’ll say next. “—you’re going through some things. All the more he should be there for you. If he doesn’t care about you then that’s not love at all.”

“For someone who has never been in love you sure say a lot of things.”

“I never said I never fell in love. I just said I never dated anyone.” He corrects him

“That’s the same thing. It both means that you won’t understand it.”

Hyeop doesn’t answer back, mostly because he doesn’t know what else to say. Yunseong drives in silence, and Hyeop isn’t really particularly familiar yet with Seoul so the moment they hit the highway everything felt foreign to him.

“Where are we going?” he asks Yunseong.

“I told you, somewhere.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re going to bring me to some obscure cottage just to kill me there and dump my body on a lake beside it.”

“Do I look like a criminal to you?” Yunseong looks at him weirdly.

“You could be for all I know. Everyone can be a criminal. Even those that seem like they aren’t.” he states and Yunseong shakes his head in retaliation. Hyeop takes it as a win for him.

Hyeop looks around the car for anything that he can focus on as Yunseong drives. Aside from the smell of the whole interior being distinctly Yunseong, there’s nothing else that seems to give away the car is his. He opens the compartment and there’s nothing but a few empty cases of cigarettes, and what seems to be Yunseong’s wallet. He fishes it out and opens it.

“You don’t have any money.” Hyeop jokes as he opens his wallet.

“There’s nothing of value in there.” Yunseong notes, eyes on the road.

There are a couple of cards inside, receipts from gas stations and convenience stores. There’s an identification card, and Hyeop could see the prominent letters spelling out Korea National University of Arts. Yunseong looks younger in the photo, his hair pitch black but the face is still the same albeit cleaner. His name is in big bold letters, Hwang Yunseong, with his birthday below it as well as his student number.

“I’m older than you are by a year. You should be calling me hyung.” he looks at him in disbelief and Yunseong snorts.

“I don’t even call you by your name.”

“Do you even know my name at this point?”

“Hmm—“ Yunseong acts as if he’s in deep thought. “—I don’t know. Do I know your name?” he says and Hyeop can’t think if its sarcasm or not. “I’m not going to call you hyung though, it goes against my values.”

Hyeop flips over the identification card and sees which department Yunseong is enrolled at.

“You’re a dance major.” He says, as if he’s opened the Pandora’s box.

“Was.” Yunseong simply states, before stopping the car. “We’re here.”

Hyeop tucks the card in Yunseong’s wallet and looks up to see that Yunseong had brought him to an overlooking place. Yunseong gets out of the car and he follows him.

He can see the entirety of Seoul lit up, bustling with people and energy even though he can’t hear it from where they are. The sun is almost setting, so the skies above them are hinted with shades of pink, purple, and orange. The natural sky light makes it seem like they’re both in a dream, and at that moment, when the wind tousles Yunseong’s red hair beside him as he looks at the scenery, Hyeop feels his breath hitch for a split second.

“So we drove all the way here for this?” he asks him, and Yunseong nods.

“I like pretty things. I’ve always found this spot the prettiest compared to any other place.” Yunseong says as he leans against the railing. “It’s quiet, nobody else goes here. It gives me room to think.”

“What do you think about?”

“A lot of things.” Yunseong says as he looks in the distance. 

“You know what, I think you and I are similar.” He says as a matter of fact and Yunseong looks at him quizzically. “We both have lives we led that we can’t go back to because we lost our core to do it. You’re a dancer that can’t dance anymore. I’m a singer, but I can’t sing anymore. We’re both empty handed losers right now that don’t know what to do next.”

Yunseong doesn’t react on it so he continues.

“That’s why you’re still attending the support group. You want someone to listen to you without any judgments or side comments from pity parties too. Just like how I ran away from mine, you’re running away from yours.”

Yunseong doesn’t say yes or no, but the way he looks at Hyeop and opens his mouth only for him to close it again already tells him what he needed to know.

“Why did you bring me here?” he asks him, and Yunseong shrugs—his shoulder brushing against his in the process and the slightest touch made Hyeop weak.

“You look like you’d need something pretty in your life too.”

They look at each other for a long second, and Hyeop wants to say something and the words are already there at the tip of his tongue—but he didn’t want to ruin the moment between them as the pastel rays of light from the sunset sky shine down on them. Yunseong’s face He’s not ready for what they have to be shaken off yet.

Because at that moment, Hyeop found Yunseong pretty, maybe even more than the view.

* * *

The week after that, Yunseong wasn’t present for the support group meeting.

Hyeop thought he would just be late, but the session already began and there was no sign of Yunseong anywhere. He doesn’t have his number so he can’t ask him where he is—and even if he can it only sank in to him that he has no reason to be asking him of that. They’re not together, they’re more or less only acquaintances as far as he thinks of it—much to his dismay.

The lack of Yunseong throws him off, and even as he tries shaking off the feeling it doesn’t leave him.

He doesn’t know what is it it really in Yunseong that leaves him like that—just when he thought he’s a still water in a lake and the waves have finally calmed down, Yunseong came in his life and made ripples that never stop.

Daeyeol must have noticed that there was something wrong, because he pulls back Hyeop just when he was out the door after that day’s session.

“I don’t know where he is too, if you’re wondering. But I think, if you want, you can ask him yourself.” Daeyeol says, handing him a piece of paper. He unfolds it and there’s a phone number written on it. He thanks Daeyeol as he pockets it, and when he’s returned to Seokhwa’s car he immediately saves it on his phone. 

He doesn’t immediately text him. He’s trying to muster up courage on that one.

Even has he’s on shift in the café he can feel the weight of the phone on his pocket and his mind immediately wanders to Yunseong. It bothers him that he’s used to only thinking about himself before, but right now all the space in his mind is filled up with Yunseong and that whether if he’s fine or not.

He flips his phone on his hand as he’s taking a break eating ramen in the convenience store in front of the café. The message window for Yunseong’s number is open, and he’s already typed a “Hello this is Hyeop.” on it.

He accidentally presses send on it when some of the ramen soup drips on his screen and he immediately wipes it off, hitting the button unintentionally. The message is already sent before he could even take it back, and it doesn’t take long before his message pings alert for a new notification.

_ The one that looks like a hamster? _

Hyeop can almost hear his voice say it, and he immediately types a reply.

_ I like hamsters. But I guess I look like one if you think I am? _

_ I have horrible eyesight. I can’t see your face clearly half the time and the only time I do you look like you spent your whole day running in a wheel inside a cage. _

_ I’ll take that as a compliment. Hamsters are cute _

Hyeop tries to press on his cheek to stop smiling. He fails on that.  _ _

_ Where did you get my number?  _ Yunseong asks him.

_ Why didn’t you attend today? _

_ I asked first. _

_ I’ll answer if you answer first. _

_ I’m sick. _

_ Well I thought we established that already. _

_ I mean I can’t go out. I’m in a hospital right now. _

_ Which one? I’ll go to you. _

Yunseong must be lonely, because eventually after minutes of pestering him he gives the name of the hospital to Hyeop—and he tells him he’ll go once his shift is over. He cleans up after himself in the convenience store and upon passing by the counter he sees the brand of cigarette Yunseong smokes. Before he could stop himself he pays for one and slides it in his pocket before returning to work to finish his shift.

He borrows Seokhwa’s car again to go to the hospital. It’s at the other end of the city, and it’s more of a public one that mostly accommodates middle class families. He easily finds Yunseong’s ward, and his mop of red hair peeks in from the curtain at the end of the room.

He pops his head inside to see Yunseong on his phone, and he rattles the plastic bag he brought with him.

“I don’t know what bread do you like so I brought all that I can.” He says, and Yunseong looks up to him without any emotion on his face as always. He seemed bored for the most part. 

“What are you here for anyway?” he asks Yunseong, as he sits on the stool beside the bed.

“Fell off a flight of stairs.”

“Wow, so cool.” He sarcastically claps for him and Yunseong rolls his eyes.

“Couldn’t get up and leg felt wrong. Turns out some part of it is infected and I have to take some stupid surgery again.” Yunseong sounds bitter, and Hyeop understands where he’s coming from.

“When’s your surgery?”

“Tomorrow morning, apparently. I’m trying to get out of it but my sister—“ Yunseong trails off, and Hyeop feels the frustration Yunseong is radiating that moment. Yunseong’s brows are furrowed and he heaves a deep sigh. Hyeop rummages through his plastic bag and hands him a butter toast.

Yunseong takes it from him, and eats it without any other word.

Hyeop watches him eat, and the silence around them envelops them like a blanket. He can only hear the chattering from the other side of the room and the beeping of the machines attached to the patients. He likes how he doesn’t need to say anything or keep a conversation going for Yunseong, and their silence is enough for him to feel warm in his chest.

Yunseong begins coughing, probably because something got stuck in his throat. He immediately moves to the side table to pour him a glass of water and he helps him drink up the glass. He’s kind of leaning in on him from where he stands, his eyes leveled with Yunseong’s as the red head looks up at him. Hyeop gets lost in his eyes, brown orbs luring him in to probe in closer and he only snaps out of his senses when a man’s voice calls Yunseong from behind them.

He’s not that tall of a guy, but what strikes Hyeop is that he’s really handsome. Too pretty to not take a double look back at if ever you see him. He’s wearing glasses and simple casual clothing but he makes it look like he’s a model for a brand. The guy looks at him and then again at Yunseong, and he silently moves back as he returns the glass of water on the side table.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you before.” The guy looks at him from head to toe, and Hyeop suddenly feels self-aware. He tugs at the hem of his t-shirt.

“I’m Hyeop. I’m someone from his support group.” He says as he clears his throat—which ended up to be a bad move because now it hurts a little—and the guy doesn’t seem too impressed.

“ _ Nice  _ to meet you then. We haven’t met yet but I’m Wooseok, Yunseong’s boyfriend.” Wooseok clearly doesn’t appreciate his appearance there, and if Hyeop didn’t know how to read in between the lines the latter sure is making it clear that he’s not needed there.

So Yunseong was not lying when he said he liked pretty things.

Hyeop feels embarrassed now, a little bit shamed, and he couldn’t even lift his head up. He starts to gather his belongings and Yunseong asks him where is he going.

“My friend invited me for dinner—so I have to go as well. It was nice visiting. Yeah.” He says without stopping even to look back after bowing to Wooseok, and he walks out of the ward head down.

He feels like he lost a war, when there really isn’t a competition in the first place. He had no relation to Yunseong at all, he wasn’t his anything so he doesn’t know if he’s even allowed to feel these surge of emotions that are coursing through him. He enters Seokhwa’s car haphazardly and hits his head on the wheel the moment he sits in. He feels so defeated, and even if he thinks he feels like crying nothing is coming out. There’s just a painful clawing feeling inside of him that is ripping him from the inside, and it hurts him. He couldn’t comprehend anything, and at this point he doesn’t want to.

It hits him when he’s already back in his room and he’s lying down on his bed, that being with Yunseong made him feel comforted all this time—but he might not be the one Yunseong needs for his own.

* * *

He tries to rid his mind of thoughts of Yunseong after that.

He deleted his number and their conversation just in case he feels like saying something stupid—and tries to distract himself with a lot of other things to not wander off into the box labeled Yunseong in his mind.

Everytime he sees the pack of cigarettes that he bought inside his bag, he’s reminded of Yunseong—so he throws it in the trash bin in his room. It doesn’t take him 5 minutes before he’s fished out the unopened pack and had returned it back to his bag. Another 5 minutes, and he’s fumbling for the lighter on his cupboard and has already lit up a cigarette before he could even realize it. The smoke does nothing but intensify the memories of Yunseong in his mind, and how he looks as he takes a drag of the cigarette placed on his pretty lips.

He realizes, far too quickly, that he doesn’t even mind the smell of the smoke and how it feels as he exhales it—because it feels like Yunseong is there with him. He could never clear him off his head no matter how hard he tries, because he’s already dug his own tunnel a bit too deep and fell on it a little bit earlier than expected.

He set up his own demise.

Aside from using smoking as a coping mechanism, one day, he decides to go to a noraebang.

They had one in his hometown, and Hyeop frequented it to practice singing for hours. A noraebang felt more like his home to him than his actual one.

He pays for an entire room for himself, and registers in his usual go to songs every time he sings. The familiar tune echoes inside the room, and the grip on his microphone tightens. He tries singing the first few lines, and it feels like just talking. But the moment the higher notes kick in, no sound comes out of his mouth. He ends up having a coughing fit that burns his throat even further, and he ends up lying down on the seat cradling his knees.

For the first time in a long while, he cries, shedding tear after tear as the melancholic background music closes in on him. He feels lost and empty, like a house robbed of everything. The walls are as cold as the ice on his drink, and he feels so hollow.

He gathers his belonging after a few minutes and goes to the only place where he could think of.

He stays in the parking lot of the hospital. He felt buzzed with emotion when he was driving but now that he’s there, he couldn’t bear to even get out of the car. He knows he wants to see Yunseong—but what after that? He doesn’t even know what to say to him.

Eventually he gets down from the car and goes to the ward where he went last time—or at least the outside of it because he’s still hesitating on whether he should go in or not. He’s startled when somebody bumps against the back of his knee and he groans in pain—only to see Yunseong in a wheelchair behind him.

“What are you standing here for?” Yunseong asks him. Hyeop sees how much weight he lost and his hair had actually become too long that his curly red hair (half black now) is falling through his eyes. Yunseong looked tired, cheeks hollow and eyebags deep, but it’s still him.

Yunseong leads him out to the hospital yard. There are some patients here and there that are walking with nurses, and Yunseong is navigating himself leading Hyeop to a shady area. He follows the younger male listlessly and only when he lightly bumps against Yunseong’s wheelchair that he zones in again.

“I broke up with him.” was the first thing Yunseong says the moment he sat on the grass. “You were right.”

“Will you tell me if I ask why?” he looks up at him from where he’s sitting, and Yunseong looks in the distance.

“Does it matter to you? If it does, then yes.”

He thinks about it long and hard, and he realizes it doesn’t matter to him anymore—so he shakes his head. 

“How was the surgery?” he asks, looking at the blanket covering Yunseong’s legs.

“The infection was bad, to the point where they almost cut it off. But I begged them to not to do it before I did the surgery. Do anything except that.”

“What did your sister say?”

“We talked and she explained herself to me. I did the same. She still wants me to recover and take therapy. I’m—considering of not resisting it anymore. Maybe this time it works.” Yunseong tells him and he looks at him in awe.

“I haven’t seen you in days and you changed a lot. The next thing I know, you’ve already stopped your chain smoking activity.” He teases him and Yunseong snorts.

“Don’t remind me. I’m not allowed any stick of cigarette as long as I’m under medication. I’m already feeling the withdrawal right now so to speak.”

“What if I smoke in front of you so you can at least smell it?” he suggests and Yunseong laughs a little.

“Why does it feel like the tables have turned? You used to dislike smoking.”

“Maybe you’ve changed me. Maybe I’ve come to welcome it to my life as a stress reliever, the same reason why you smoke. Maybe I’ve welcomed it to my life the same way I did with you.” He answers before he could even realize what was said, and Yunseong looks at him puzzled.

“Am I a stress reliever to you?” the younger male asks.

Yunseong’s big doe eyes are staring at him, and just like the last time, it feels like a deep well that holds all the stars of the galaxy. Hyeop can’t stop looking at it for the love of God and all things holy, so he says the next best thing that comes out of his mind.

“I think you’re more than that to me. You’re my safe space.”

Yunseong smiles, lips stretched thin to his cheeks and it’s most genuine he’s seen of him so far. He’s so ethereal when he smiles, that Hyeop couldn’t help but smile back at him warmly.

“If it’s of any value—you were my safe space too _ . _ No. You  _ are _ my safe space. You are my light.”

Hyeop dumbly wipes away the tear that escaped in his eyes, and he laughs it off as Yunseong offers the corner of his blanket.

“You keep on belittling yourself and your problems compared to mine and the rest of us in the group—and probably even the world fresh off the bat when we met. You act like you feel like your emotions aren’t valid. You told me we’re the same. I wanted to argue and tell you we’re not, because I thought you were interesting and I never thought about that of myself. The more we got to be, the more I realized you were right—in some points our lines intersect and we are one and the same.” Yunseong turns his head lazily to look at him. “We understood each other even without words, even without descriptions. The longer I knew you, the more I always thought of  _ ‘How would that hyung deal with this? _ ’—that kind of thing.”

He feels overwhelmed with emotions that he’s speechless, and Yunseong just watches him silently for a moment. 

“You said maybe I changed you. No, I think you changed me _ , hyung _ .”

“I don’t want you to change.” he says shakily, his voice still affected by his emotions. “I don’t want us to change—I want us to grow. Changing means a lot of things will be different, and that leads to us not being in the same line anymore. Growth will make us a better version of ourselves. So let’s grow together instead.”

Yunseong reaches for his hand, intertwining it with his. Yunseong’s hands feel warm in his, but it feels like it belongs there.

“Let’s get better together.” Yunseong squeezes his hand as reassurance.

It will take time—Hyeop knows that—for everything to fall in its right place. For everything to be better than it was the day before that. But in that moment, with Yunseong’s hand is his own—he felt good. Better, even.

**Author's Note:**

> you can leave a kudos and a comment here and also talk to me on [twitter](twitter.com/sincerelyhys) heheh


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